On the Road...part four

Standard Disclaimers still apply...don't try this at home kids!

Food for thought

"When do we eat?" - Bill Usry, 1986 Camper of the year.

One frightening and dangerous phinomena which occurs on long van journeys is a condition known to the medical community as Africaneese Foodstoposis (AF). Each year AF cripples thousands of young Americans both physically and psychologically.

The symptons may show up before the tirp even begins, as those suseptible begin to stockpile food, drinks and other edibles in their carry-on luggage. They then gather into clusters, comparing and discussing foodstuffs, storage methods, nutritional values and which of the four food groups are represented in their van (the grease group, the chocolate group, the sugar group and the straight additive/preservative group.)

Several hours into the trip, those inflicted begin to dive into their stores and gorge themselves. They dig in with both hands - a crazed look in their eyes. When all the edibles are gone, the begin to chant "When do we eat?" repeatedly until the vehicle stops. At this stop, they replenish supplies and the cycle continutes.

Apparently, the infliction causes severe hallucinations and delusions. Especially common it the delusion that one is a starving Ethiopean, trapped in a van which is traveling from on land of famine to another through a land of plenty without stopping. There is also an unrealistic fear of anorexia, where victims eat voraciously while screaming, "I AM NOT Anorexic."

AF does not appear to be fatal and seems to go into remission at the end of a trip.

Preventative measures include a well-stocked ice-chest and a public posting of meal stop times. It is highly contagious and anyone under thirty is susceptible, so when it appears, be prepared to stop. Or try traveling with senior citizens.


The McMENU

"Thank you and come again." - Kelly McDonally, Raton, New Mexico, McDonald's Employee of the year, 1985

This is the typical menu of a "leaved from the McDonald's parking lot at 9am and get to Colorado by dinner tomorrow" trip.

Breakfast
1 Egg McMuffin
large coke
french fries
2 donuts

One Hour after departure
brownies from home
chips
cold Mountain Dew

At Rest Stop
Snickers Bar
root beer
Charms' Blo-pop
bubble gum

Lunch
Big Mac
French Fries
Coke
Apple Pie
Hot fudge sundae, to take on the bus

On bus
smashed brownies
cookies form someone on the other bus
warm Mountain Dew

Rest Stop
Popcorn
ice cream
root beer
Skittles

Dinner
Salad Bar
Water (hey, we're counting calories)

Back on the Bus
3 Muskateers bar
hot Mountain Dew
Stale chips
Brownie crumbs
Cracker Jacks

Breakfast the next day
danish*
sausage*
coke
Pepto Bismol
*one bite of each

Lunch
14 slices of Pizza
coke.


(Tomorrow - the last day of our little series, Entertainment on the Bus)