But there's no law against using it to it's fullest advantage...
"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."
Read all about it here: CNN
or if you prefer...Fox News where "deciding" isn't a headline...
Leadership from the Father Knows Best generation...trying to lead the Simpson generation, the irony itself is a hoot.
(furiously taking notes...)
And this morning, it was announced we were getting a new A New Explainer on the Horizon
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Maybe we should put a camera in the van...
If I wasn't so completely adverse to reality shows (the unreal kind), I would call some big shot tv producer and tell him about the 5 Alabama drama queens. It would be fitting for Fox or the WB and think about those Southern ratings. But, then what would my book be about?
There are two kinds of reality tv. The Real kind, like football, baseball and other sports (golf is included, although that's another topic) and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Real people doing real things, within a confined set of rules and/or behaviors.
Then there's the unreal kind. Like Survivor, Big Brother, and the newest, God or the Girl, about four seminarians studying for the priesthood. These are "real" people, chosen not for their talents but for their personalities and their amazing abilities to make poor decisions and not care. In fact, they celebrate bad choices as if there is some secret signing bonus for every one (Gee, the contract says I get an extra thousand if my bikini top should accidently fall off on camera). Maybe there is. It wouldn't surprise me. Athletes get bonuses for extraordinary play, why not reality show participants? If there is a union, I think they should bargain for that.
I don't ususally watch these kinds of things, but a lot of my favorite people do. I think I'm more fascinated with the why than the what. Is it the boldness, the act of being able to shed aside inibitions and get paid for it that is so attractive? The funny thing is, if there are such self centered people in our real lives, we go through extreme lengths to avoid them, yet there they are on tv for an hour a week and we're there watching. Does the act of being broadcast as a "shared experience" somehow validate the self centered? What on earth posesses people to want to put themselves out there like that, especially for the shows that have no real "reward" (ie, American Idol and Survivor have a tangible reward at the end of the show. Shalom in the Home is simply having your therapy session in the town square).
I guess the thing that really bothers me is that television and internet are starting to eerily resemble the world of Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. Not a good thing.
There are two kinds of reality tv. The Real kind, like football, baseball and other sports (golf is included, although that's another topic) and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Real people doing real things, within a confined set of rules and/or behaviors.
Then there's the unreal kind. Like Survivor, Big Brother, and the newest, God or the Girl, about four seminarians studying for the priesthood. These are "real" people, chosen not for their talents but for their personalities and their amazing abilities to make poor decisions and not care. In fact, they celebrate bad choices as if there is some secret signing bonus for every one (Gee, the contract says I get an extra thousand if my bikini top should accidently fall off on camera). Maybe there is. It wouldn't surprise me. Athletes get bonuses for extraordinary play, why not reality show participants? If there is a union, I think they should bargain for that.
I don't ususally watch these kinds of things, but a lot of my favorite people do. I think I'm more fascinated with the why than the what. Is it the boldness, the act of being able to shed aside inibitions and get paid for it that is so attractive? The funny thing is, if there are such self centered people in our real lives, we go through extreme lengths to avoid them, yet there they are on tv for an hour a week and we're there watching. Does the act of being broadcast as a "shared experience" somehow validate the self centered? What on earth posesses people to want to put themselves out there like that, especially for the shows that have no real "reward" (ie, American Idol and Survivor have a tangible reward at the end of the show. Shalom in the Home is simply having your therapy session in the town square).
I guess the thing that really bothers me is that television and internet are starting to eerily resemble the world of Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. Not a good thing.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Summer Reading, coming soon.
Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?
-- Henry Ward Beecher
Half Price books had a special this week, if you buy thirty dollars worth of books, you get a nifty, huge, totebag in lovely spring colors like purple, green and bright light blue. Naturally, I found that the Easter Bunny really needed to do some shopping there and amazingly, mananged to spent thirty dollars.
Unfortunately, that translates to I have an even higher stack of "to be read" books. On top of the list, that is always growing. The one thing I am glad of is that swim team practice starts in earnest next week. I'm thinking that I'll have an hour and a half each day at the pool to catch up on the reading list. That seems to be a better use of time than trying to squeeze errands in, with traffic in that area at 6 pm being what it is. Nothing like reading at the pool.
Except reading on your very own nifty back patio.
-- Henry Ward Beecher
Half Price books had a special this week, if you buy thirty dollars worth of books, you get a nifty, huge, totebag in lovely spring colors like purple, green and bright light blue. Naturally, I found that the Easter Bunny really needed to do some shopping there and amazingly, mananged to spent thirty dollars.
Unfortunately, that translates to I have an even higher stack of "to be read" books. On top of the list, that is always growing. The one thing I am glad of is that swim team practice starts in earnest next week. I'm thinking that I'll have an hour and a half each day at the pool to catch up on the reading list. That seems to be a better use of time than trying to squeeze errands in, with traffic in that area at 6 pm being what it is. Nothing like reading at the pool.
Except reading on your very own nifty back patio.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The People on the Bus
You know the drill. Last chapters.
Trip Leaders I Have Known
"Just shut up and ride the bus!!" - Larry Guillioma, Band director and veteran trip leader
Trip leaders are a fascinating breed of folks known by their distinctive call:
GET ON THE BUS!! WE'RE LEAVING NOW AND WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU!!!
For fun, they look at maps and walk up and down bus aisles counting people. From a distance, the trip leader can be identified by his instinctive briefcase. First time trip leaders may simply carry a clipboard or a stack of papers, but after watching the paperwork blow out of the window at 85mph and paying the $200 littering fine, he will invest in a geek box.
Once upon a time, the trip leadwer was a real live himan being. He ate, slept, and used the restroom like any other Homo Sapien. But years of travel, millions of miles, gas stations, and Big Mac's have changed a respectible looking man into a dishelveled derelict with bus-hair and mis-matched shoes. Obviously, authority spoken here.
There are two basic types of trip leaders. We'll call them Roadtrip Ralph and Sergeant Sam.
Roadtrip Ralph is just a fun guy. His theory is that getting there is 3/4's of the fun, so let's make in a party. He allows three hour meal/shopping stops and encourages everyone to make the most of every opportunity, including stops at traffice signals. He orders the driver to stop at every museum and historical marker to expand the minds of his charges. And, of course, he's done his homework and can recite the history of every object passed. Although it may take two days to leave town, Ralph's trips are exciting and educational.
Sergeant Sam, however, believes that everyone should have been there yesterday. He is concerned with time and clocks and mileage, often timing a gas stop to the tenth of a tank. Call him efficient. And if Sam is on a trip where Ralph is the trip leader, call him a travel agent. Get Sam there by plane or he'll never survive the first rest stop.
People on the Bus
"The people on the bus go up and down
up and down
up and down
the people on the bus go up and down, all through the town" - Ancient bus rider chant and first grade sing along.
You climb onto the Highway Hilton, crawl over several thousand bodies, some twice, and finally spot the prize: an empty seat. But look! Someone else has depostited his/her paraphenalia on the adjoining seat. Who could it be? Let's look at the possibilities....
Jammin Jeremy: The music expert. Of course, you'll be sharing space with $500 worth of portable stereo equipment. You'll have to split the battery costs as well, after all, you're listening too.
Marvin, the Musical Mouth: He knows every word to every song ever written. He'll demonstrate his knowledge by singing every song at a volume competitive with the jam boxes.
Trying Tracy: Every 15 minutes, this peacemaker will scream "Will everyone PLEASE SHUT UP!"
Betty Braid: Entertains herself by creating new and bizarre hair styles for everyone on the bus. Now her best friend is...
Mary Makeover: To complete your facial furnishings.
Carla Carsic: Comes with Dramamine and her own supply of clear plastic bags.
Rachel Restroom: Makes the most of every opportunity.
Larry Laugh: Owner of the worst guffaw you've ever heard, he'll laugh for 28 hours straight.
Terrorist Ted: Wanted in 8 states for 123 counts of bear molesting. Liable to distrss any stuffed object.
Sleepy Steve: He will only wake up to remove the black jelly beans and other various and sundry things placed in his gaping drooling mouth.
Matt Map: Know 24 quicker ways to get there.
Screeching Sally: doesn't her name say it all??
2006 note:
First off, I realize that of course women can be trip leaders. They grow up to be soccer moms. But female trip leaders just aren't as funny, since herding cats requires more estrogen than testosterone.
This was before the days of Walkmen and IPods, of course. Now $500 worth of stereo equipment fits in your shirt pocket and everyone on the bus has one along with ear buds. Which is sad, really, because part of the shared experience was listening to the same insipid music the entire trip and then when you hear it in Walmart twenty years later, all the memories come rushing back like a wave a shoppers heading for the only open checkout stand. But I digress....
Trip Leaders I Have Known
"Just shut up and ride the bus!!" - Larry Guillioma, Band director and veteran trip leader
Trip leaders are a fascinating breed of folks known by their distinctive call:
GET ON THE BUS!! WE'RE LEAVING NOW AND WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU!!!
For fun, they look at maps and walk up and down bus aisles counting people. From a distance, the trip leader can be identified by his instinctive briefcase. First time trip leaders may simply carry a clipboard or a stack of papers, but after watching the paperwork blow out of the window at 85mph and paying the $200 littering fine, he will invest in a geek box.
Once upon a time, the trip leadwer was a real live himan being. He ate, slept, and used the restroom like any other Homo Sapien. But years of travel, millions of miles, gas stations, and Big Mac's have changed a respectible looking man into a dishelveled derelict with bus-hair and mis-matched shoes. Obviously, authority spoken here.
There are two basic types of trip leaders. We'll call them Roadtrip Ralph and Sergeant Sam.
Roadtrip Ralph is just a fun guy. His theory is that getting there is 3/4's of the fun, so let's make in a party. He allows three hour meal/shopping stops and encourages everyone to make the most of every opportunity, including stops at traffice signals. He orders the driver to stop at every museum and historical marker to expand the minds of his charges. And, of course, he's done his homework and can recite the history of every object passed. Although it may take two days to leave town, Ralph's trips are exciting and educational.
Sergeant Sam, however, believes that everyone should have been there yesterday. He is concerned with time and clocks and mileage, often timing a gas stop to the tenth of a tank. Call him efficient. And if Sam is on a trip where Ralph is the trip leader, call him a travel agent. Get Sam there by plane or he'll never survive the first rest stop.
People on the Bus
"The people on the bus go up and down
up and down
up and down
the people on the bus go up and down, all through the town" - Ancient bus rider chant and first grade sing along.
You climb onto the Highway Hilton, crawl over several thousand bodies, some twice, and finally spot the prize: an empty seat. But look! Someone else has depostited his/her paraphenalia on the adjoining seat. Who could it be? Let's look at the possibilities....
Jammin Jeremy: The music expert. Of course, you'll be sharing space with $500 worth of portable stereo equipment. You'll have to split the battery costs as well, after all, you're listening too.
Marvin, the Musical Mouth: He knows every word to every song ever written. He'll demonstrate his knowledge by singing every song at a volume competitive with the jam boxes.
Trying Tracy: Every 15 minutes, this peacemaker will scream "Will everyone PLEASE SHUT UP!"
Betty Braid: Entertains herself by creating new and bizarre hair styles for everyone on the bus. Now her best friend is...
Mary Makeover: To complete your facial furnishings.
Carla Carsic: Comes with Dramamine and her own supply of clear plastic bags.
Rachel Restroom: Makes the most of every opportunity.
Larry Laugh: Owner of the worst guffaw you've ever heard, he'll laugh for 28 hours straight.
Terrorist Ted: Wanted in 8 states for 123 counts of bear molesting. Liable to distrss any stuffed object.
Sleepy Steve: He will only wake up to remove the black jelly beans and other various and sundry things placed in his gaping drooling mouth.
Matt Map: Know 24 quicker ways to get there.
Screeching Sally: doesn't her name say it all??
2006 note:
First off, I realize that of course women can be trip leaders. They grow up to be soccer moms. But female trip leaders just aren't as funny, since herding cats requires more estrogen than testosterone.
This was before the days of Walkmen and IPods, of course. Now $500 worth of stereo equipment fits in your shirt pocket and everyone on the bus has one along with ear buds. Which is sad, really, because part of the shared experience was listening to the same insipid music the entire trip and then when you hear it in Walmart twenty years later, all the memories come rushing back like a wave a shoppers heading for the only open checkout stand. But I digress....
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I really don't make this stuff up...who could?
Basic Bus Hair, part 5. You know the drill. Standard disclaimers, blah, blah, blah.
Terminal Layovers
"Don't get too comfortable. We'll only be here 15 minutes." - Seymour Houston at the beginning of a seven hour layover at the Houston Trailways Terminal
Sometimes, a long journey may begin in the faithful clubwagon, but along the way, it is exchange for the Hilton of the Highways, the charter bus. Not onely does this road resort hold forty people more comfortably than its primitive little cousin, but it has other advantages. For speed, greater variety of sleeping positions, and facilities for those with small bladders, Go Big Red, or fly.
These luxuries, however, do not come without sacrifice. In oder to board the mighty machine, one must go to the bus terminal and wait for the bus. They call it a terminal for a reason. The wait may be 5 minutes (possible, not probable), an hour (Are we having fun yet?) or ten hours (We're having BIG FUN now!)
The bus terminal doesn't have to be a terminal bore. It can be an enjoyable, entertaining, and yes, even educational place, if imaginative minds are planning the activities. Below are some suggestions for passing the time at the terminal. Expand on them, or try some of your own. JUST-
-BE CREATIVE
-BE DARING
-BE SURE TO BRING BAIL MONEY
To Avoid:
1. Some bus terminals have TV sets available. Try to avoid them. You can watch tv at home.
2. Don't even think of trying to read the "things you brought along." Save them for the bus.
3. Try not to spend all your time with teh people in your group. You'll see them later and there are a lot of people at the bus station you'll never see anywhere else.
Fun Activities:
1. Get a bus schedule and plan some alternative trips. Be srue to ask the clerk abotu ticket costs, departure times, etc. Ignore the printed schedule she gives you, it's probably wrong, but wave it around anyway. For extra fun, order tickets, pay for them, then change your mind and demand your money back. Get the trip leader involve. Repeat once per hour.
2. Drug Deal Bingo. Make a bingo card featuring the names of illegal substances. For every deal witnessed, mark the appopriate box. First person to fill the card wins. For extra fun, instead of marking the box, tape a sample of the substance. This may involve purchasing the products, but don't use your bail money!!
3. Take surveys. Use a clipboard. Be sincere. Ask intensely personal questions. Laugh later.
5. Buy food from the vending machines to sell later at a profit to AF sufferers. If you are afflicted, now's the time to hoard.
The Battle of the Box
"Turn that thing down!" - Jay Linn, after the 52nd reptitition of "The Fat Boys are
Back."
In this corner, weighing in at 10 pounds, the challenger, the Power Panasonic, featuring Prince and the Revolution. In the opposite corner, weighing 12 1/2 pounds, the current champion, the Gregarious GE featuring David Lee Roth.
Gentlemen (?) Start your jamming!
Congratulations. You have jsut become the referee of the battle of the box. Actually, it's an easy job. Since you can't stop the fight, all you must do is enforce the Rules of Fair Fighting.
The Rules of Fair Fighting:
1. Each boom box must have a self contained power supply. Plugging into the cigarette lighters or Bus PA system is automatic forfeiture.
2. No amplifiers of any kind.
3. No piggy backing more speakers.
4. Any music which causes the vehicle to move without the engine running is illiegal.
5. The winner will receive a set of headphone. The loser will supple Extra Strength Tylenol to all bus passengers.
Disciplinary action for rule offenders.
Any person guilty of stereo offenses will sit in the bus restroom for one hour while subjected to high volumes of Barry Manilow.
The James Taylor Syndrome.
"Play it again, Sam."
The James Taylor Syndrome is a mind crippling condition which tends to occur at hight altitudes and/or long trips. The cause of this condition is the repeated playing of a cassette tape. It is named for JT because his albums are quickly and powerfully addicting. The symptoms of JTS are visible soon after the 6th repetition of the tape.
1. Mental breakdown
2. Severe silliness
3. Music trivia becomes the only acceptable topic of conversation
4. Can repeat all lyrics of all songs on the tape. In listed order.
5. Chant's "Let's play it again" during any period of silence.
If any of these symptoms occur, administer large doses of K-Tel's Greatest Hits, followed by intrumental music. and see a musician as soon a possible.
Tomorrow, our last installment....The People on the Bus.
Terminal Layovers
"Don't get too comfortable. We'll only be here 15 minutes." - Seymour Houston at the beginning of a seven hour layover at the Houston Trailways Terminal
Sometimes, a long journey may begin in the faithful clubwagon, but along the way, it is exchange for the Hilton of the Highways, the charter bus. Not onely does this road resort hold forty people more comfortably than its primitive little cousin, but it has other advantages. For speed, greater variety of sleeping positions, and facilities for those with small bladders, Go Big Red, or fly.
These luxuries, however, do not come without sacrifice. In oder to board the mighty machine, one must go to the bus terminal and wait for the bus. They call it a terminal for a reason. The wait may be 5 minutes (possible, not probable), an hour (Are we having fun yet?) or ten hours (We're having BIG FUN now!)
The bus terminal doesn't have to be a terminal bore. It can be an enjoyable, entertaining, and yes, even educational place, if imaginative minds are planning the activities. Below are some suggestions for passing the time at the terminal. Expand on them, or try some of your own. JUST-
-BE CREATIVE
-BE DARING
-BE SURE TO BRING BAIL MONEY
To Avoid:
1. Some bus terminals have TV sets available. Try to avoid them. You can watch tv at home.
2. Don't even think of trying to read the "things you brought along." Save them for the bus.
3. Try not to spend all your time with teh people in your group. You'll see them later and there are a lot of people at the bus station you'll never see anywhere else.
Fun Activities:
1. Get a bus schedule and plan some alternative trips. Be srue to ask the clerk abotu ticket costs, departure times, etc. Ignore the printed schedule she gives you, it's probably wrong, but wave it around anyway. For extra fun, order tickets, pay for them, then change your mind and demand your money back. Get the trip leader involve. Repeat once per hour.
2. Drug Deal Bingo. Make a bingo card featuring the names of illegal substances. For every deal witnessed, mark the appopriate box. First person to fill the card wins. For extra fun, instead of marking the box, tape a sample of the substance. This may involve purchasing the products, but don't use your bail money!!
3. Take surveys. Use a clipboard. Be sincere. Ask intensely personal questions. Laugh later.
5. Buy food from the vending machines to sell later at a profit to AF sufferers. If you are afflicted, now's the time to hoard.
The Battle of the Box
"Turn that thing down!" - Jay Linn, after the 52nd reptitition of "The Fat Boys are
Back."
In this corner, weighing in at 10 pounds, the challenger, the Power Panasonic, featuring Prince and the Revolution. In the opposite corner, weighing 12 1/2 pounds, the current champion, the Gregarious GE featuring David Lee Roth.
Gentlemen (?) Start your jamming!
Congratulations. You have jsut become the referee of the battle of the box. Actually, it's an easy job. Since you can't stop the fight, all you must do is enforce the Rules of Fair Fighting.
The Rules of Fair Fighting:
1. Each boom box must have a self contained power supply. Plugging into the cigarette lighters or Bus PA system is automatic forfeiture.
2. No amplifiers of any kind.
3. No piggy backing more speakers.
4. Any music which causes the vehicle to move without the engine running is illiegal.
5. The winner will receive a set of headphone. The loser will supple Extra Strength Tylenol to all bus passengers.
Disciplinary action for rule offenders.
Any person guilty of stereo offenses will sit in the bus restroom for one hour while subjected to high volumes of Barry Manilow.
The James Taylor Syndrome.
"Play it again, Sam."
The James Taylor Syndrome is a mind crippling condition which tends to occur at hight altitudes and/or long trips. The cause of this condition is the repeated playing of a cassette tape. It is named for JT because his albums are quickly and powerfully addicting. The symptoms of JTS are visible soon after the 6th repetition of the tape.
1. Mental breakdown
2. Severe silliness
3. Music trivia becomes the only acceptable topic of conversation
4. Can repeat all lyrics of all songs on the tape. In listed order.
5. Chant's "Let's play it again" during any period of silence.
If any of these symptoms occur, administer large doses of K-Tel's Greatest Hits, followed by intrumental music. and see a musician as soon a possible.
Tomorrow, our last installment....The People on the Bus.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
On the Road...part four
Standard Disclaimers still apply...don't try this at home kids!
Food for thought
"When do we eat?" - Bill Usry, 1986 Camper of the year.
One frightening and dangerous phinomena which occurs on long van journeys is a condition known to the medical community as Africaneese Foodstoposis (AF). Each year AF cripples thousands of young Americans both physically and psychologically.
The symptons may show up before the tirp even begins, as those suseptible begin to stockpile food, drinks and other edibles in their carry-on luggage. They then gather into clusters, comparing and discussing foodstuffs, storage methods, nutritional values and which of the four food groups are represented in their van (the grease group, the chocolate group, the sugar group and the straight additive/preservative group.)
Several hours into the trip, those inflicted begin to dive into their stores and gorge themselves. They dig in with both hands - a crazed look in their eyes. When all the edibles are gone, the begin to chant "When do we eat?" repeatedly until the vehicle stops. At this stop, they replenish supplies and the cycle continutes.
Apparently, the infliction causes severe hallucinations and delusions. Especially common it the delusion that one is a starving Ethiopean, trapped in a van which is traveling from on land of famine to another through a land of plenty without stopping. There is also an unrealistic fear of anorexia, where victims eat voraciously while screaming, "I AM NOT Anorexic."
AF does not appear to be fatal and seems to go into remission at the end of a trip.
Preventative measures include a well-stocked ice-chest and a public posting of meal stop times. It is highly contagious and anyone under thirty is susceptible, so when it appears, be prepared to stop. Or try traveling with senior citizens.
The McMENU
"Thank you and come again." - Kelly McDonally, Raton, New Mexico, McDonald's Employee of the year, 1985
This is the typical menu of a "leaved from the McDonald's parking lot at 9am and get to Colorado by dinner tomorrow" trip.
Breakfast
1 Egg McMuffin
large coke
french fries
2 donuts
One Hour after departure
brownies from home
chips
cold Mountain Dew
At Rest Stop
Snickers Bar
root beer
Charms' Blo-pop
bubble gum
Lunch
Big Mac
French Fries
Coke
Apple Pie
Hot fudge sundae, to take on the bus
On bus
smashed brownies
cookies form someone on the other bus
warm Mountain Dew
Rest Stop
Popcorn
ice cream
root beer
Skittles
Dinner
Salad Bar
Water (hey, we're counting calories)
Back on the Bus
3 Muskateers bar
hot Mountain Dew
Stale chips
Brownie crumbs
Cracker Jacks
Breakfast the next day
danish*
sausage*
coke
Pepto Bismol
*one bite of each
Lunch
14 slices of Pizza
coke.
(Tomorrow - the last day of our little series, Entertainment on the Bus)
Food for thought
"When do we eat?" - Bill Usry, 1986 Camper of the year.
One frightening and dangerous phinomena which occurs on long van journeys is a condition known to the medical community as Africaneese Foodstoposis (AF). Each year AF cripples thousands of young Americans both physically and psychologically.
The symptons may show up before the tirp even begins, as those suseptible begin to stockpile food, drinks and other edibles in their carry-on luggage. They then gather into clusters, comparing and discussing foodstuffs, storage methods, nutritional values and which of the four food groups are represented in their van (the grease group, the chocolate group, the sugar group and the straight additive/preservative group.)
Several hours into the trip, those inflicted begin to dive into their stores and gorge themselves. They dig in with both hands - a crazed look in their eyes. When all the edibles are gone, the begin to chant "When do we eat?" repeatedly until the vehicle stops. At this stop, they replenish supplies and the cycle continutes.
Apparently, the infliction causes severe hallucinations and delusions. Especially common it the delusion that one is a starving Ethiopean, trapped in a van which is traveling from on land of famine to another through a land of plenty without stopping. There is also an unrealistic fear of anorexia, where victims eat voraciously while screaming, "I AM NOT Anorexic."
AF does not appear to be fatal and seems to go into remission at the end of a trip.
Preventative measures include a well-stocked ice-chest and a public posting of meal stop times. It is highly contagious and anyone under thirty is susceptible, so when it appears, be prepared to stop. Or try traveling with senior citizens.
The McMENU
"Thank you and come again." - Kelly McDonally, Raton, New Mexico, McDonald's Employee of the year, 1985
This is the typical menu of a "leaved from the McDonald's parking lot at 9am and get to Colorado by dinner tomorrow" trip.
Breakfast
1 Egg McMuffin
large coke
french fries
2 donuts
One Hour after departure
brownies from home
chips
cold Mountain Dew
At Rest Stop
Snickers Bar
root beer
Charms' Blo-pop
bubble gum
Lunch
Big Mac
French Fries
Coke
Apple Pie
Hot fudge sundae, to take on the bus
On bus
smashed brownies
cookies form someone on the other bus
warm Mountain Dew
Rest Stop
Popcorn
ice cream
root beer
Skittles
Dinner
Salad Bar
Water (hey, we're counting calories)
Back on the Bus
3 Muskateers bar
hot Mountain Dew
Stale chips
Brownie crumbs
Cracker Jacks
Breakfast the next day
danish*
sausage*
coke
Pepto Bismol
*one bite of each
Lunch
14 slices of Pizza
coke.
(Tomorrow - the last day of our little series, Entertainment on the Bus)
Monday, April 10, 2006
Basic Bus Hair, part three
Standard disclaimers still apply...
The Caravan
"Follow Me." - Jesus Christ
In our continued efforts to be remade in the image of our Lord, we too have taken up the call, "Follow me." We shout it from the window as we depart from the parking lot of the McDonald's on Southwest Parkway and a train of 25 assorted vehicles bravely follow. Mothers yank their small childern from the streets; motorists turn to alternate routes. They know we are coming and they flee in fear.
Fear... It's in the eyes of on-coming traffic...it's in the hearts of those trying to pass...it's on the faces of the McDonald's employees as they watch 26 cars empty out...125 hungry people pouring into the dining room...125 people waving dollar bills and shouting "I'm McNext!!"
The secret to successul caravanning is simply ignorance. If someone besides the lead driver has any clue as to the destination, order control, indeed all is lost in the search for a shorter way, one dotted with Pizza Huts instead of McDonald's. By keeping everyone in total ignorance, one cannot help but follow the first vehicle or risk being lost forever in the vast Texas wastelands.
Remember our YL motto:
Ignorance is not only bliss - It's downright more efficient.
More on Caravans
"Fer shur, I'm driving!" - Vicki Haddad, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision while being reminded that she was the one behind the wheel.
The secret of safe caravan driving is to follow these simple rules of Safe Caravan Driving"
1. Follow the car ahead of you using the 3 second rule. Consult your driver's manual or the Shell Answer Man)
2. Trade tapes at rest stops, not at 75 m.p.h. on a two-lane highway.
3. Rule 2 also applies to passengers.
4. In the United States, the lane preferred by most drivers is the right hand lane. This preference is supported by the law. Since freedom of choice is somewhat restricted in this matter by the Constitution, wait until the next Constitional Congress to express your individualism.
5. Remember our YL mottoes:
a. Litter first
b. Safey bugs me
The secret of fun, exciting, risky caravanning is to ignore the above rules. Obviously, some conflicts will arise when some members of the caravan insist on safe caravanning while others opt for the more death-defying method. Ideally, the group will be unanimous, or the majority holds the car keys.
Tomorrow: Food for Thought.
The Caravan
"Follow Me." - Jesus Christ
In our continued efforts to be remade in the image of our Lord, we too have taken up the call, "Follow me." We shout it from the window as we depart from the parking lot of the McDonald's on Southwest Parkway and a train of 25 assorted vehicles bravely follow. Mothers yank their small childern from the streets; motorists turn to alternate routes. They know we are coming and they flee in fear.
Fear... It's in the eyes of on-coming traffic...it's in the hearts of those trying to pass...it's on the faces of the McDonald's employees as they watch 26 cars empty out...125 hungry people pouring into the dining room...125 people waving dollar bills and shouting "I'm McNext!!"
The secret to successul caravanning is simply ignorance. If someone besides the lead driver has any clue as to the destination, order control, indeed all is lost in the search for a shorter way, one dotted with Pizza Huts instead of McDonald's. By keeping everyone in total ignorance, one cannot help but follow the first vehicle or risk being lost forever in the vast Texas wastelands.
Remember our YL motto:
Ignorance is not only bliss - It's downright more efficient.
More on Caravans
"Fer shur, I'm driving!" - Vicki Haddad, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision while being reminded that she was the one behind the wheel.
The secret of safe caravan driving is to follow these simple rules of Safe Caravan Driving"
1. Follow the car ahead of you using the 3 second rule. Consult your driver's manual or the Shell Answer Man)
2. Trade tapes at rest stops, not at 75 m.p.h. on a two-lane highway.
3. Rule 2 also applies to passengers.
4. In the United States, the lane preferred by most drivers is the right hand lane. This preference is supported by the law. Since freedom of choice is somewhat restricted in this matter by the Constitution, wait until the next Constitional Congress to express your individualism.
5. Remember our YL mottoes:
a. Litter first
b. Safey bugs me
The secret of fun, exciting, risky caravanning is to ignore the above rules. Obviously, some conflicts will arise when some members of the caravan insist on safe caravanning while others opt for the more death-defying method. Ideally, the group will be unanimous, or the majority holds the car keys.
Tomorrow: Food for Thought.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Basic Bus Hair, part 2
(Just a reminder folks, this was written in 1986. Before the internet had pictures. Kind of like PC's before windows. Unix people lived in a linear world.)
Ok, now the standard disclaimer. The following information is provided ONLY for entertainment purposes. Some instructions are highly illegal and will get you a Darwin Award faster than you can say, "Oh, I wasn't really supposed to DO this?"
Keep the Driver Happy
"FIFTEEN MINUTES!" - vetern van driver S.Scott Travis, in response to the question, "When are we going to get there?"
Hi boys and girls! Today we're going to learn about van drivers. Van drivers are those insane saints who volunteer to drive us fun places like Colorado (fun), the Snook school, (fun, fun) and Houston at 5pm (we're having big fun now!!)
Since these people are already operating with fewer than normal brainwaves, it is very important that we do our part to help them keep the van on the road, or relatively close to it. Here are some rules for van riders.
Some rules are easy. We call these rules Common Courtesy.
1. Close all doors before the van enters the highway.
2. Talk to the driver every 20 minutes. Check pulse, blood pressure and respiration rate. If any of these are more than 50% above/below normal, it may be time to change drivers.
3. Resist the urge to offer creative ideas for shortcuts.
Some rules require more self-discipline. We call these rules "only in your dreams"
1. Refrain from asking the driver every 5 minutes questions like: When will we get tehre? When do we eat? When is the next reststop? Wailt at LEAST 7.5 minutes between questtions.
2. Do not remind the driver of the current speed laws every time the needle accidently creeps over 55mph. He can read.
Parts of the Van
"THERE'S NO SPARE TIRE!!" - Jimmy Waller, Tunis, Texas, Halloween 1985
Windshield: (Ideally) A clear glass plate, allwoing the driver to look out ot the van while still protected from the elements. (Realistically) An opague, brown thing needing to be swept clear of bugs every thirty minutes.
Jack: A large metal contraption which wanders freely through the van, crushing food items and luggage. When needed for it's designated purpose, it burrows beneath the heaviest piece of luggage.
Spare Tire: 1. Removed to make more room for luggage.
2. stored on the outside of the van door, from where, upon sighting an old tire on the highway shoulder, it jumps off and rolls to the side of its soul mate.
Tires: 4 black objects, worn by the van. Hopefully all four are inflated to manufacturer's specifications. It is helpful if all 4 maintain contact with the road surface at all times.
Steering Wheel: Holds driver in place. May also be used to direct the vehicle in teh desired direction, or at least the general vicinity.
Heater/A.C: Climate control, operated by the navigator, who decides the temperature of the day. There is no comfortable, only too hot or too cold.
Stereo: A gift from the YL committee. Pull the fuse and pretend it's broken.
Packing the Van
"Honest, Wayne, we only had 15 people, max!" - Any Snook YL leader, after the blowout.
YL features the Ford Club Wagon as our favorite 15 passenger vehicle. Why? Naturally, because although there are seatbelts for 15, there is space for 31, if packed by a professional. You too can pack like a pro. Here's how:
Begin by seating large people in the rear seat. Try to get four or better, five, use shoe horns and lubricant, such as potato chip grease or sheen to glide them into place. These folks now effectively form seating for four more people. (Check the A/C rear units.) Repeat this procedure with the remaining bench seats.
Two people will occupy the front passenger seat, within the seatbelt. One small person is folded and placed within the space between teh front passenger seat and the glove compartment. Another fits conveniently between the two front bucket seats. Two more fit on the running board and one lucky soul occupies the driver's throne.
Congratulations! If you have done the above correctly, you have converted a 15 passenger vehicle to a 31 passenger vehicle.
WARNING:
Do not attempt this if:
You are traveling to Colorado or any other long distance.
Tires cannot pass the Lincoln Penny Test
A YL Area Director will be traveling with you.
Ok, now the standard disclaimer. The following information is provided ONLY for entertainment purposes. Some instructions are highly illegal and will get you a Darwin Award faster than you can say, "Oh, I wasn't really supposed to DO this?"
Keep the Driver Happy
"FIFTEEN MINUTES!" - vetern van driver S.Scott Travis, in response to the question, "When are we going to get there?"
Hi boys and girls! Today we're going to learn about van drivers. Van drivers are those insane saints who volunteer to drive us fun places like Colorado (fun), the Snook school, (fun, fun) and Houston at 5pm (we're having big fun now!!)
Since these people are already operating with fewer than normal brainwaves, it is very important that we do our part to help them keep the van on the road, or relatively close to it. Here are some rules for van riders.
Some rules are easy. We call these rules Common Courtesy.
1. Close all doors before the van enters the highway.
2. Talk to the driver every 20 minutes. Check pulse, blood pressure and respiration rate. If any of these are more than 50% above/below normal, it may be time to change drivers.
3. Resist the urge to offer creative ideas for shortcuts.
Some rules require more self-discipline. We call these rules "only in your dreams"
1. Refrain from asking the driver every 5 minutes questions like: When will we get tehre? When do we eat? When is the next reststop? Wailt at LEAST 7.5 minutes between questtions.
2. Do not remind the driver of the current speed laws every time the needle accidently creeps over 55mph. He can read.
Parts of the Van
"THERE'S NO SPARE TIRE!!" - Jimmy Waller, Tunis, Texas, Halloween 1985
Windshield: (Ideally) A clear glass plate, allwoing the driver to look out ot the van while still protected from the elements. (Realistically) An opague, brown thing needing to be swept clear of bugs every thirty minutes.
Jack: A large metal contraption which wanders freely through the van, crushing food items and luggage. When needed for it's designated purpose, it burrows beneath the heaviest piece of luggage.
Spare Tire: 1. Removed to make more room for luggage.
2. stored on the outside of the van door, from where, upon sighting an old tire on the highway shoulder, it jumps off and rolls to the side of its soul mate.
Tires: 4 black objects, worn by the van. Hopefully all four are inflated to manufacturer's specifications. It is helpful if all 4 maintain contact with the road surface at all times.
Steering Wheel: Holds driver in place. May also be used to direct the vehicle in teh desired direction, or at least the general vicinity.
Heater/A.C: Climate control, operated by the navigator, who decides the temperature of the day. There is no comfortable, only too hot or too cold.
Stereo: A gift from the YL committee. Pull the fuse and pretend it's broken.
Packing the Van
"Honest, Wayne, we only had 15 people, max!" - Any Snook YL leader, after the blowout.
YL features the Ford Club Wagon as our favorite 15 passenger vehicle. Why? Naturally, because although there are seatbelts for 15, there is space for 31, if packed by a professional. You too can pack like a pro. Here's how:
Begin by seating large people in the rear seat. Try to get four or better, five, use shoe horns and lubricant, such as potato chip grease or sheen to glide them into place. These folks now effectively form seating for four more people. (Check the A/C rear units.) Repeat this procedure with the remaining bench seats.
Two people will occupy the front passenger seat, within the seatbelt. One small person is folded and placed within the space between teh front passenger seat and the glove compartment. Another fits conveniently between the two front bucket seats. Two more fit on the running board and one lucky soul occupies the driver's throne.
Congratulations! If you have done the above correctly, you have converted a 15 passenger vehicle to a 31 passenger vehicle.
WARNING:
Do not attempt this if:
You are traveling to Colorado or any other long distance.
Tires cannot pass the Lincoln Penny Test
A YL Area Director will be traveling with you.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Just shut up and get on the van...
In honor of my newest project, I am actually digging up something I wrote about twenty years ago. Basic Bus Hair was written and Kinko-ed to be a Christmas present for the folks I did Young Life with while going to college. I was a "rural" YL leader, which meant visiting the high school and going to YL club involved at least twenty to thirty minutes of highway driving, on the Highway of Death, as we call it now, a stretch of highway that cannot be widened because it's the habitat of some bizarre, bloom-every-fifty-years-for-an-hour, wild flower. Of course, maybe if we did destroy its habitat, we'd find out that it is the only thing keeping Global Warming from accelerating, but that, my friends, is a topic for another book.
Point is, a lot of the stuff I wrote for Bus Hair, may come in handy for the new van thing, so I need to type it anyway, may as well type it here. Because twenty years ago, it was typed on a blue Royal portable. A Christmas gift from my parents.
So without further deviation, Basic Bus Hair - A Guide for the Ride, by A. Vanna Ryder.
Basic Bus Hair - An Introduction
"Only your hairdresser will know for sure." Miss Clairol, 1967
Bus Hair. It's not a big issue these days. Everyone is talking about the impact of busing on the lives of children, but no one dares to talk about the effect that buses have on hair. It is a nasty, nappy business, one hairdressers won't talk about; one most writers get squeamish about. Since I cut my own hair, have an A in my creative writing class, and have traveled extensively on the Big Dog, I consider myself a leading expert on the touchy, or untouchable topic of Bus Hair. Well, at least the only person I know that has spent more than five minutes thinking about it.
And so I submit to you, a handbook on bus hair. Where to get it. How to get rid of it. How to enhance it. but this handbook will only mention bus hair once:
Bus hair is the affliction which causes your dirty, greasy hair to stand on end after being on a bus. The amount of time spent on the bus matters not. The only prevention: Don't get on the bus. The only cure: Shampoo. In Between: Invest in a hat.
Chapter One: Changing Drivers
"I'm not tired. I can go another 500 miles." Van Driver, 3:51 am. The accident occurred at 4:17 am.
Sometimes, drivers get restless. They are called exhausted drivers. Exhausted drivers are bad drivers. They weave, they change lanes without looking. They sleep, they crash. Boo!!
Fresh drivers are Happy Drivers. Happy Drivers are alert. Happy Drivers are aware. Happy drivers are generally more fun to be around and a heck of a lot safer. YEA!!
Sometimes, a tired, used up driver must be replaced by a fresh driver. Fresh drivers may be found in a variety of places. They mat be sleeping in the back of the van. The may be riding on another van in the caravan. Perhaps one can be found hitchhiking along the highway. In a crisis, any will do.
Guidelines for new drivers:
1. Never change drivers in a moving vehicle, unless directed to do so by the trail boss.
2. Choose replacement drivers carefully. Preferably those with:
a. current drivers license.
b. defensive driver's card, or the Sears Safe Driver Card (free to anyone 5 or older at any participating Sears Store) (**2006 note. This certification is now available on the internet and any fine On Line driving school or university)
c. Small Seeing Eye dog, since up front space is limited.
3. It may also be necessary to replace the navigator. The navigator is the peron who occupies the front passenger seat. His job includes climate control, music selection and volume, communication with other vehicles via CB radio (2006 note, cell phones, now) and, most importantly, to announce loudly, "YOU MISSED THE EXIT!!" at the appropriate time.
More exciting adventures tomorrow, when we will learn about Keeping the Driver Happy and the Parts of the Van.
Point is, a lot of the stuff I wrote for Bus Hair, may come in handy for the new van thing, so I need to type it anyway, may as well type it here. Because twenty years ago, it was typed on a blue Royal portable. A Christmas gift from my parents.
So without further deviation, Basic Bus Hair - A Guide for the Ride, by A. Vanna Ryder.
Basic Bus Hair - An Introduction
"Only your hairdresser will know for sure." Miss Clairol, 1967
Bus Hair. It's not a big issue these days. Everyone is talking about the impact of busing on the lives of children, but no one dares to talk about the effect that buses have on hair. It is a nasty, nappy business, one hairdressers won't talk about; one most writers get squeamish about. Since I cut my own hair, have an A in my creative writing class, and have traveled extensively on the Big Dog, I consider myself a leading expert on the touchy, or untouchable topic of Bus Hair. Well, at least the only person I know that has spent more than five minutes thinking about it.
And so I submit to you, a handbook on bus hair. Where to get it. How to get rid of it. How to enhance it. but this handbook will only mention bus hair once:
Bus hair is the affliction which causes your dirty, greasy hair to stand on end after being on a bus. The amount of time spent on the bus matters not. The only prevention: Don't get on the bus. The only cure: Shampoo. In Between: Invest in a hat.
Chapter One: Changing Drivers
"I'm not tired. I can go another 500 miles." Van Driver, 3:51 am. The accident occurred at 4:17 am.
Sometimes, drivers get restless. They are called exhausted drivers. Exhausted drivers are bad drivers. They weave, they change lanes without looking. They sleep, they crash. Boo!!
Fresh drivers are Happy Drivers. Happy Drivers are alert. Happy Drivers are aware. Happy drivers are generally more fun to be around and a heck of a lot safer. YEA!!
Sometimes, a tired, used up driver must be replaced by a fresh driver. Fresh drivers may be found in a variety of places. They mat be sleeping in the back of the van. The may be riding on another van in the caravan. Perhaps one can be found hitchhiking along the highway. In a crisis, any will do.
Guidelines for new drivers:
1. Never change drivers in a moving vehicle, unless directed to do so by the trail boss.
2. Choose replacement drivers carefully. Preferably those with:
a. current drivers license.
b. defensive driver's card, or the Sears Safe Driver Card (free to anyone 5 or older at any participating Sears Store) (**2006 note. This certification is now available on the internet and any fine On Line driving school or university)
c. Small Seeing Eye dog, since up front space is limited.
3. It may also be necessary to replace the navigator. The navigator is the peron who occupies the front passenger seat. His job includes climate control, music selection and volume, communication with other vehicles via CB radio (2006 note, cell phones, now) and, most importantly, to announce loudly, "YOU MISSED THE EXIT!!" at the appropriate time.
More exciting adventures tomorrow, when we will learn about Keeping the Driver Happy and the Parts of the Van.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
If you're reading this, you won't be "in the van"
Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
-- Thomas H. Huxley
Everyone needs a friend like my friend Lynn. You have to be in shape for it, of course. Actual real life conversation:
L: I need to to 20 Tuesday. I'll do five in the morning and then meet you for 15.
(we run long distance every Tuesday, for marathons. Told you being in shape was a requirement)
Me: (not wanting to look like a wimp) Nah, come right over. I can do 20.
I mapped out the run on mapmyrun.com and about mile four into the run, I broke the news to her that what we were running would be a little more than 20, maybe closer to 21. Around mile 14, I came clean and told her it was a little more than 23. Did I mention the temperature was getting up to 87?
Point is, every writer needs a friend like Lynn, not because she drives you to unfathomable physical feats, but because she's is interested in everything. She asks great questions and wants to really learn about anything. Grass growing to the local murder on page one, to the Space Station. We don't always know answers, but we spend the four or five hours we run talking about a million subjects. Never a dull moment.
Even better, she's read some of my really sucky manuscripts and she's still my friend. (Although, she's learned not to ask to read things anymore. See, I told you she's smart.)
But yesterday, we spent a good deal of our time "populating the minivan." The minivan, most likely a KIA because it is funnier than a Chrysler and easier to type over and over, is the setting for a book I'm starting to pre-write. Lynn knows a few characters who belong in the minivan touring Alabama. And we have a new phrase for folks who get on our bad side...
Yeah, that person belongs "in the van."
-- Thomas H. Huxley
Everyone needs a friend like my friend Lynn. You have to be in shape for it, of course. Actual real life conversation:
L: I need to to 20 Tuesday. I'll do five in the morning and then meet you for 15.
(we run long distance every Tuesday, for marathons. Told you being in shape was a requirement)
Me: (not wanting to look like a wimp) Nah, come right over. I can do 20.
I mapped out the run on mapmyrun.com and about mile four into the run, I broke the news to her that what we were running would be a little more than 20, maybe closer to 21. Around mile 14, I came clean and told her it was a little more than 23. Did I mention the temperature was getting up to 87?
Point is, every writer needs a friend like Lynn, not because she drives you to unfathomable physical feats, but because she's is interested in everything. She asks great questions and wants to really learn about anything. Grass growing to the local murder on page one, to the Space Station. We don't always know answers, but we spend the four or five hours we run talking about a million subjects. Never a dull moment.
Even better, she's read some of my really sucky manuscripts and she's still my friend. (Although, she's learned not to ask to read things anymore. See, I told you she's smart.)
But yesterday, we spent a good deal of our time "populating the minivan." The minivan, most likely a KIA because it is funnier than a Chrysler and easier to type over and over, is the setting for a book I'm starting to pre-write. Lynn knows a few characters who belong in the minivan touring Alabama. And we have a new phrase for folks who get on our bad side...
Yeah, that person belongs "in the van."
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
If you can't annoy somebody with what you write...
I think there's little point in writing. ~ Kingsley Amis
And some days, I think the only person I annoy is myself. The days when the words are working against me and not for me, when I can't for the life of me get this stupid passage right. When the inside of the brain isn't matching the screen or the paper in front of me. But I guess annoying myself is better than nothing.
Sure it's really easy to push a few political buttons and tick people off, but where's the fun in that? Anyone can do that. It's the idea of writing a story that can get under the skin. Not just the annoying, as in angry kind, or the pull the carpet out of normal people's lives kind, but kind of like Jane Smiley's A Thousand Acres, where you finish the book and walk around for three days saying to yourself, "Oh, so that's why so and so is like that." Not out loud of course. But you finish the book and feel like you understand the world better. Not because of some obscure facts about old secret societies, but because there was some measure of truth (not truthiness) and you really can understand people better.
I guess that's why Smiley won the National Book Award. Go figure.
And some days, I think the only person I annoy is myself. The days when the words are working against me and not for me, when I can't for the life of me get this stupid passage right. When the inside of the brain isn't matching the screen or the paper in front of me. But I guess annoying myself is better than nothing.
Sure it's really easy to push a few political buttons and tick people off, but where's the fun in that? Anyone can do that. It's the idea of writing a story that can get under the skin. Not just the annoying, as in angry kind, or the pull the carpet out of normal people's lives kind, but kind of like Jane Smiley's A Thousand Acres, where you finish the book and walk around for three days saying to yourself, "Oh, so that's why so and so is like that." Not out loud of course. But you finish the book and feel like you understand the world better. Not because of some obscure facts about old secret societies, but because there was some measure of truth (not truthiness) and you really can understand people better.
I guess that's why Smiley won the National Book Award. Go figure.
Monday, April 03, 2006
So many ideas, so little time...
“As I look back on what I have written, I can see that the very persons who have taken away my time are those who have given me something to say.” Katherine Paterson
I had a visitor last night that kept me up too late, late enough that 4:30, which is already hard enough, was even harder. Add in the start of Daylight Savings time, and I don't think many people will want to be around me today. But this morning, thinking about the visit, and all my crazy relatives (and I use that term in the most medical sense possible. Almost every one of them would do well with meds and some kind of therapy), I did come up with a germ of an idea for my next book. Possibly the sequel to the Purse Driven Life. Could be interesting. Could totally remove me from the grownup table at the next family gathering. Yep, it's that good.
"The last thing one settles in writing a book is what one should put in first." Pascal
"I rewrote the ending of 'Farewell to Arms' 39 times before I was satisfied."- Ernest Hemingway
Thirty nine times. And it's a war book. See, I am in good company. I'm only on Practical Flying's fifth or sixth ending. And I think I like this one.
I had a visitor last night that kept me up too late, late enough that 4:30, which is already hard enough, was even harder. Add in the start of Daylight Savings time, and I don't think many people will want to be around me today. But this morning, thinking about the visit, and all my crazy relatives (and I use that term in the most medical sense possible. Almost every one of them would do well with meds and some kind of therapy), I did come up with a germ of an idea for my next book. Possibly the sequel to the Purse Driven Life. Could be interesting. Could totally remove me from the grownup table at the next family gathering. Yep, it's that good.
"The last thing one settles in writing a book is what one should put in first." Pascal
"I rewrote the ending of 'Farewell to Arms' 39 times before I was satisfied."- Ernest Hemingway
Thirty nine times. And it's a war book. See, I am in good company. I'm only on Practical Flying's fifth or sixth ending. And I think I like this one.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Writing, Walking, and Talking
Walking is also an ambulation of mind.
-- Gretel Ehrlich
In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
- John Muir
All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
He who limps is still walking.
- Stanislaw J. Lec
I am in the middle of rewriting some action scenes from the WWII novel. One thing working on this book as taught me: I cannot write action scenes sitting still. I have to feel the adrenaline with the characters. Since I don't have access to a Douglas DC-3 to crash land for this, that means a run. Walking works for emotional scenes, but for action, it's running and the faster the better. With the soundtrack from a horse movie in the MP3 player.
The biggest thing I've noticed in writing books I've read, at least the ones by actual novelists and not just nonfiction writers, is the love of some kind of physical exercise of the rhythmic type, either walking or running. No cycling, no machines, no aerobics class. Not even treadmills, it's outdoors, even in the rain. Walkers include, CS Lewis, Tolkien, Madeleine L'Engle, Annie Dillard, Natalie Goldberg, Terry Brooks, David Morrell, Anne Lamott. I ought to take a poll, to see if my favorite novelists do as well. Or at least my favorite novelists this week, since that seems to be a changeable thing.
I'm sure Austen, and the Bronte's walked, it's what they did back then. I'm betting on Dostoevsky too, at least for travel, if not exercise. I'm thinking Margaret Atwood as well, mostly because her characters spend so much time in physical motion, that I would imagine she does as well. Besides, she's Canadian, which is so much like British, except without the Queen and the accent, so she must walk.
Walking helps writing, it informs is. Talking on the other hand kind of messes things up. Hemingway used to warn people that if you used up all the words talking about a project, you wouldn't have any left to write it. I am so guilty of that. I get all excited about something then talk about it once too often and poof, I sit down to write and I don't "see the scene" anymore. I'm trying hard not to do that with this new book. Which is easy, since I'm still in the research and stewing/dreaming stage. It will be a walking novel, not a running novel. And I think my dog is quite happy about that.
-- Gretel Ehrlich
In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
- John Muir
All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
He who limps is still walking.
- Stanislaw J. Lec
I am in the middle of rewriting some action scenes from the WWII novel. One thing working on this book as taught me: I cannot write action scenes sitting still. I have to feel the adrenaline with the characters. Since I don't have access to a Douglas DC-3 to crash land for this, that means a run. Walking works for emotional scenes, but for action, it's running and the faster the better. With the soundtrack from a horse movie in the MP3 player.
The biggest thing I've noticed in writing books I've read, at least the ones by actual novelists and not just nonfiction writers, is the love of some kind of physical exercise of the rhythmic type, either walking or running. No cycling, no machines, no aerobics class. Not even treadmills, it's outdoors, even in the rain. Walkers include, CS Lewis, Tolkien, Madeleine L'Engle, Annie Dillard, Natalie Goldberg, Terry Brooks, David Morrell, Anne Lamott. I ought to take a poll, to see if my favorite novelists do as well. Or at least my favorite novelists this week, since that seems to be a changeable thing.
I'm sure Austen, and the Bronte's walked, it's what they did back then. I'm betting on Dostoevsky too, at least for travel, if not exercise. I'm thinking Margaret Atwood as well, mostly because her characters spend so much time in physical motion, that I would imagine she does as well. Besides, she's Canadian, which is so much like British, except without the Queen and the accent, so she must walk.
Walking helps writing, it informs is. Talking on the other hand kind of messes things up. Hemingway used to warn people that if you used up all the words talking about a project, you wouldn't have any left to write it. I am so guilty of that. I get all excited about something then talk about it once too often and poof, I sit down to write and I don't "see the scene" anymore. I'm trying hard not to do that with this new book. Which is easy, since I'm still in the research and stewing/dreaming stage. It will be a walking novel, not a running novel. And I think my dog is quite happy about that.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Book Recommendation
I have to recommend any book that says you have to spend time dreaming most days. Terry Brooks' Sometimes the Magic Works is like Novel Writing 101 about the mindset it takes to write a novel. Or maybe I just admire him because he writes huge honking novels AND they get published. He freely admits that had he started writing recently, his earlier stuff wouldn't cut the mustard. But he is in his sixties and still learns and used his imagination. How many sixty year olds still do that? It doesn't take much imagination to pull the slot machine handle, which is the family legacy I have.
But so much of my writing time this week has been re-visioning some of my key scenes. I'm hoping to get this all done by the end of April and I really think I'm on track. Then on to bigger and better things. Right?
But so much of my writing time this week has been re-visioning some of my key scenes. I'm hoping to get this all done by the end of April and I really think I'm on track. Then on to bigger and better things. Right?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
The Joy and Necessity of Coffee
There is one thing worse than waking up and facing the day ahead from the starting point of 4:30 am. And that is facing the day from 4:30 am without coffee and breakfast. Sure, I know there are people in the world who face days and weeks without breakfast and not necessarily on purpose. I am not one of those people. I am blessed enough to have the prerequisites of a good, oatmeal and raisins breakfast every morning, courtesy of my husband's employment and my microwave.
But today, we will have none of it. Insurance physical, scheduled at 8:30 am. So I'll be there four hours hungry, and I'm so sure, pleasant to be around. At least I have a starbucks gift certificate sitting in my walled, ready to spring into action as needed to rescue me from the low blood sugar condition. Fasting pretty much since dinner last night, at 6pm. So, we're going on twelve hours of no calories in. Water is the only thing I'm allowed.
I hate drinking water. There, I said it. Here I am, a certified, personal trainer, pseudo athlete and I am admitting I hate drinking water. I will never be one of those who travels with the little water bottle, like a baby bottle, always in hand. My fluids need to contain if nothing else, caffiene. Flavor is another plus, but not those silly fruit flavored waters. Water was created as a base, not as an end in itself, that's my personal belief. It was made so that we wouldn't have to crunch coffee beans in the morning, something way too loud for the wee hours of dawn. It was made to keep us moving, not move through us. I now, I am out of like with every fitness professional and dietician who has ever walked the earth, but there you have it. I think some of you agree with me. You know you do.
Three hours until breakfast. Better hope you don't run into me...
But today, we will have none of it. Insurance physical, scheduled at 8:30 am. So I'll be there four hours hungry, and I'm so sure, pleasant to be around. At least I have a starbucks gift certificate sitting in my walled, ready to spring into action as needed to rescue me from the low blood sugar condition. Fasting pretty much since dinner last night, at 6pm. So, we're going on twelve hours of no calories in. Water is the only thing I'm allowed.
I hate drinking water. There, I said it. Here I am, a certified, personal trainer, pseudo athlete and I am admitting I hate drinking water. I will never be one of those who travels with the little water bottle, like a baby bottle, always in hand. My fluids need to contain if nothing else, caffiene. Flavor is another plus, but not those silly fruit flavored waters. Water was created as a base, not as an end in itself, that's my personal belief. It was made so that we wouldn't have to crunch coffee beans in the morning, something way too loud for the wee hours of dawn. It was made to keep us moving, not move through us. I now, I am out of like with every fitness professional and dietician who has ever walked the earth, but there you have it. I think some of you agree with me. You know you do.
Three hours until breakfast. Better hope you don't run into me...
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The Essayist Glut
I discovered that rejections are not altogether a bad thing. They teach a writer to rely on his own judgment and to say in his heart of hearts, "To hell with you." ~ Saul Bellow
In tenth grade, I read a lot of Erma Bombeck and Art Buchwald. I wanted to be a humorist essayist as long as I could remember. Unfortunately, I didn't have a family willing to do funny things for me to write about. Nowadays, every blogger is an essayist. So competition is up. And it's the ol' supply and demand. Loads of supply. Demand is okay, but if you call it non-fiction, it had better be provable facts, right? So, there are two major things lacking in my career as a humorous essayist. Humor, being the big one. And someone willing to write me checks for writing them. I did find one market...but that's another story.
I'm reading a book right now by Barbara Ehrenreich. Her job title, essayist. She is witty, funny and lives in Key West Florida. There are lots of essayists out there, most don't claim it as a job title. Most just post on their little blogs and go on with real lives. Since I don't have a "real life" ie paid employment on a regular basis, I have to get the essay production up.
I've got three of her books sitting in my library pile, and so far, the first is a quick read. Nickel and Dimed is about some time she spent trying to see if one could really "live" on the living wage. No surprises to people that actually do, or rather try to. Not really, not without roommates, family, a community. Which contrasts with the American Ideal of pull yourself up by the bootstrap. What she proves, so far, in the 122 pages I read, is that hard work doesn't make you rich, just tired. Rich people, the kind that make their own wealth, may work hard, but there is another thing, a talent, an idea, something besides plain old hard work. I've been there, done the menial labor thing. Or should I say, service industry.
Some accuse the growing service industry for the lack of state money for schools. Seems Merry Maids, and places like that don't have large things like plants and factories for fat property taxes. The maids sure don't make enough to own property to tax. I guess the problem with trickle down is it is indeed a trickle. And the service class is growing, and the user class is holding steady, and the in betweeners are diminishing. As is understanding.
In tenth grade, I read a lot of Erma Bombeck and Art Buchwald. I wanted to be a humorist essayist as long as I could remember. Unfortunately, I didn't have a family willing to do funny things for me to write about. Nowadays, every blogger is an essayist. So competition is up. And it's the ol' supply and demand. Loads of supply. Demand is okay, but if you call it non-fiction, it had better be provable facts, right? So, there are two major things lacking in my career as a humorous essayist. Humor, being the big one. And someone willing to write me checks for writing them. I did find one market...but that's another story.
I'm reading a book right now by Barbara Ehrenreich. Her job title, essayist. She is witty, funny and lives in Key West Florida. There are lots of essayists out there, most don't claim it as a job title. Most just post on their little blogs and go on with real lives. Since I don't have a "real life" ie paid employment on a regular basis, I have to get the essay production up.
I've got three of her books sitting in my library pile, and so far, the first is a quick read. Nickel and Dimed is about some time she spent trying to see if one could really "live" on the living wage. No surprises to people that actually do, or rather try to. Not really, not without roommates, family, a community. Which contrasts with the American Ideal of pull yourself up by the bootstrap. What she proves, so far, in the 122 pages I read, is that hard work doesn't make you rich, just tired. Rich people, the kind that make their own wealth, may work hard, but there is another thing, a talent, an idea, something besides plain old hard work. I've been there, done the menial labor thing. Or should I say, service industry.
Some accuse the growing service industry for the lack of state money for schools. Seems Merry Maids, and places like that don't have large things like plants and factories for fat property taxes. The maids sure don't make enough to own property to tax. I guess the problem with trickle down is it is indeed a trickle. And the service class is growing, and the user class is holding steady, and the in betweeners are diminishing. As is understanding.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Green with envy....
I Googled Dan Brown and Da Vinci code. Over seven and a half million sites are listed. And I bet some of the websites are by people who have actually read the book. There are book sales, the famous movie sale and big movie stars, and then an entire cottage industry of anti-Da Vince code books. That's what fascinates me the most, how all these books debunking a novel are selling like the devil.
But the idea of writing a book, a novel, and having it be such a huge cultural thing, something that gets so many up in arms. Is it the subject or the story? I don't think it's just the subject, although it's important. But lots of books are written about really controversial subjects. They don't tend to sell millions and millions of copies. That's the rub. How do you write a book that does that? Thing is, if what Mr. Brown says on his website is true, it's not like he sat down to write a cultural battle ground. It was a story, one that kept gnawing at him and he got to the point where he had to write it. Since he already had a couple of b-list thrillers out there, he could get someone to publish it.
But I'm reading the book with my pen and highlighter. There's a lesson in there somewhere for commercial fiction writers. No one has accused Brown of being a literary high brow. But there hasn't been much Grisham-like critism either. (I think Grisham is a good storyteller, but he head hops so much, I get the concussions. Needless to say, I don't read his stuff unless necessary.) There has to be something in the book. Or an email address for an application to sell your soul.
But the idea of writing a book, a novel, and having it be such a huge cultural thing, something that gets so many up in arms. Is it the subject or the story? I don't think it's just the subject, although it's important. But lots of books are written about really controversial subjects. They don't tend to sell millions and millions of copies. That's the rub. How do you write a book that does that? Thing is, if what Mr. Brown says on his website is true, it's not like he sat down to write a cultural battle ground. It was a story, one that kept gnawing at him and he got to the point where he had to write it. Since he already had a couple of b-list thrillers out there, he could get someone to publish it.
But I'm reading the book with my pen and highlighter. There's a lesson in there somewhere for commercial fiction writers. No one has accused Brown of being a literary high brow. But there hasn't been much Grisham-like critism either. (I think Grisham is a good storyteller, but he head hops so much, I get the concussions. Needless to say, I don't read his stuff unless necessary.) There has to be something in the book. Or an email address for an application to sell your soul.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Like I needed something else to do...
I am rapidly re-writing a large chunk of Practical Flying, now that I know how it really ends and hopfully will be done with that by the end of the month, or at the latest mid April. I'm not sure I'm ready to start editing the Purse Driven Life yet, although, I might zip through that while I'm researching the next project.
For the next project, the first phase is to re-read the Brothers Karamzov as much as I can. Yeah, hold your excitement. I know, gee, lets reread an eight hundred page book over and over. But with PF looking at coming in at a 200K word count, at least I can say I come by it honestly.
But while over at Crafty Peaches, I was musing on the political climate of the day and decided it was time modernize the BK. I think I would enjoy the project, and it would definitely be a challenge. But I could be fictional and political at the same time, plus write about the church. See, the idea has merit. So as part of Phase one, I will be tromping out to the Book Store to get a copy of BK that I could call my own, mark up, write in, etc. I wonder if it comes in a large print edition. Could you imagine hauling that booger around? It would have to come with a retractable handle and wheels, like a suitcase. Maybe a retractable stand as well, so you could just raise it up and start reading, since it would be difficult to hoist it up onto your stomach while lying on the sofa. Hmm, any publishers listening?...
For the next project, the first phase is to re-read the Brothers Karamzov as much as I can. Yeah, hold your excitement. I know, gee, lets reread an eight hundred page book over and over. But with PF looking at coming in at a 200K word count, at least I can say I come by it honestly.
But while over at Crafty Peaches, I was musing on the political climate of the day and decided it was time modernize the BK. I think I would enjoy the project, and it would definitely be a challenge. But I could be fictional and political at the same time, plus write about the church. See, the idea has merit. So as part of Phase one, I will be tromping out to the Book Store to get a copy of BK that I could call my own, mark up, write in, etc. I wonder if it comes in a large print edition. Could you imagine hauling that booger around? It would have to come with a retractable handle and wheels, like a suitcase. Maybe a retractable stand as well, so you could just raise it up and start reading, since it would be difficult to hoist it up onto your stomach while lying on the sofa. Hmm, any publishers listening?...
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Those with ears, let them hear, those with blogs, let them prop...
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided
missiles and misguided men.
-- Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963
Mr. King wrote this in 1963. What would he say now? Today we can communicate faster and farther and cheaper than anytime past, but what do we have to say? We have concentrated more on methods than message. Anyone can have a blog, but how many blogs, mine included, are more about individual gripes and whines than really having something worth listening to. What would Martin Luther King Jr. say on a blog?
It's an age old question. Style over substance, method over message, etc. Then again, when you concentrate on the message, you get accused of preaching, that what you're communicating is only a sermon thinly disgused.
I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Thunder and Lightening. Re-reading, because it's one of the few books that was on top of a box. But she talks in it about how the need the write comes from the desire to be heard. It takes seed in childhoods where children are seen and not heard. It's the urge to talk to Mom, Dad, teachers, etc and be heard. Rarely, she said, do people say they write because they need to be heard by grandparents. Somehow, they always have time to listen. But I can see where a lifetime of being shushed could lead to a desire to write. And I think the proliferation of blogs, especially by the younger, twenty-somethings and teens, is an outgrowth of the business of the adults in their lives. No one is around to listen to their stories, so they post them on line, and others might or might not read about the boy in physical science and the horrible wilted salad they served for lunch in the cafeteria, or how worried they are about the new zit on the end of the nose. Comments, props, etc, become so important, they are signs that someone out there is listening. And even if the reader doesn't agree, there is at least the illusion of being heard.
That's all it is, the illusion of being heard. You know someone visited the site, but you don't know if the reader really read, or was watching the latest movie trailer at the same time. In the desire to be heard, I think most of us are too busy with self, etc, to hear like we want to be heard. So we are compounding the problem. And the blogosphere grows...
There was another quote that came with Mr. King's. Seemed like a good final thought.
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an
emergency. Nothing is that important.
-- Natalie Goldberg, O Magazine, October 2002
missiles and misguided men.
-- Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963
Mr. King wrote this in 1963. What would he say now? Today we can communicate faster and farther and cheaper than anytime past, but what do we have to say? We have concentrated more on methods than message. Anyone can have a blog, but how many blogs, mine included, are more about individual gripes and whines than really having something worth listening to. What would Martin Luther King Jr. say on a blog?
It's an age old question. Style over substance, method over message, etc. Then again, when you concentrate on the message, you get accused of preaching, that what you're communicating is only a sermon thinly disgused.
I'm reading Natalie Goldberg's Thunder and Lightening. Re-reading, because it's one of the few books that was on top of a box. But she talks in it about how the need the write comes from the desire to be heard. It takes seed in childhoods where children are seen and not heard. It's the urge to talk to Mom, Dad, teachers, etc and be heard. Rarely, she said, do people say they write because they need to be heard by grandparents. Somehow, they always have time to listen. But I can see where a lifetime of being shushed could lead to a desire to write. And I think the proliferation of blogs, especially by the younger, twenty-somethings and teens, is an outgrowth of the business of the adults in their lives. No one is around to listen to their stories, so they post them on line, and others might or might not read about the boy in physical science and the horrible wilted salad they served for lunch in the cafeteria, or how worried they are about the new zit on the end of the nose. Comments, props, etc, become so important, they are signs that someone out there is listening. And even if the reader doesn't agree, there is at least the illusion of being heard.
That's all it is, the illusion of being heard. You know someone visited the site, but you don't know if the reader really read, or was watching the latest movie trailer at the same time. In the desire to be heard, I think most of us are too busy with self, etc, to hear like we want to be heard. So we are compounding the problem. And the blogosphere grows...
There was another quote that came with Mr. King's. Seemed like a good final thought.
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an
emergency. Nothing is that important.
-- Natalie Goldberg, O Magazine, October 2002
Monday, March 20, 2006
Lies and the Lying Liars that tell them....
I'm still waiting for James Earl Jones to call me. He should be calling any day now,to let me know that our dsl service at home is ready to go. He hasn't called yet, and I'm bummed. But not as bummed as my dog, who is stuck in the house because we don't have a fence yet.
Thing is, when I called, the friendly customer service person assured my that my internet connect would be ready the same day my telephone service was. Lies. Then, when I tried to call and find out what the deal was, and why the little dsl lights on my router weren't blinking the way they're supposed to, the happy lights, the computer generated voice referred me to a website! ARGH! I would be happy to visit your website....fix my dsl and I'll be there!
On the plus side, without internet access, things at the story factory are moving right along. Nothing else to do at four thirty, so I really have to work!
But just some friendly advice to the Friends of Mr. Jones: Talk to each other, eh? I'd be lessed stressed if I knew before hand it would be an extra week.
And Mr. Jones? I'm sitting by the phone, waiting for your call....
Thing is, when I called, the friendly customer service person assured my that my internet connect would be ready the same day my telephone service was. Lies. Then, when I tried to call and find out what the deal was, and why the little dsl lights on my router weren't blinking the way they're supposed to, the happy lights, the computer generated voice referred me to a website! ARGH! I would be happy to visit your website....fix my dsl and I'll be there!
On the plus side, without internet access, things at the story factory are moving right along. Nothing else to do at four thirty, so I really have to work!
But just some friendly advice to the Friends of Mr. Jones: Talk to each other, eh? I'd be lessed stressed if I knew before hand it would be an extra week.
And Mr. Jones? I'm sitting by the phone, waiting for your call....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)